Tuesday, April 1, 2008

My Beef with St. Braveloins


William Wallace. Braveheart. Historically speaking, I'm no expert. However, I have seen the history mutilating movie. For some reason I can't fathom, Catholic men lift this movie up as the "Ultimate Catholic Guy Movie". They speak of all Braveheart's wondrous deeds to defend freedom, to bring Scotland back from the tyranny of the Brits, and to defend what is true, and beautiful.


Bad hair, and bad history aside, this is an OK movie. I find it a chock-full of cliche, but I'll let that slide. As a matter of fact, even though I am an avid amateur film-maker, and I live and breath movies, I'll say despite it's flaws, or simplicities, it's pretty good. Some think it's great buuuttt....

As a Catholic movie? As a Christian Man? HA! I say avast, ye pagans! Braveheart possesses few qualities of a Catholic man. Sure he loves freedom, but hey who doesn't, sure he has courage, but so did Attila the Hun. I find the Wallace of Gibson's "Braveheart" to be immoral, or at least very heathenish.

His drive is motivated by revenge. Revenge is not a Christian trait, it's God's alone, and us wee-mortals jump into very murky waters once we pursue it. Secondly, he's a barbarian. He has no qualms about slaying, or assassinating if you prefer, many men in cold blood. I'm not talking about the Just War he wages, I'm talking about his cold-blooded-murders. Thirdly, despite being so massively in love, and haunted, by his dead spouse, and being the alleged archetype for every young Catholic man, he has no second thoughts about having the occasional adulterous party. Sad part is, Braveheart's romance isn't even romance, it's just a glorified hook-up.


William Wallace: Why do you help me?
Princess Isabelle: Because of the way you are looking at me now

Awww.... The next set of lines should be.

William Wallace: You're hot.
Princess Isabelle: I'm hot, and my husband's gay.
William Wallace: Let's Bang. For freedom.
Princess Isabelle: Sexual freedom, Willy.
William Wallace: FREEDOM!

Wonderful Catholic morals. I digress.

The point of this post is not to bash Braveheart. It wasn't made to be a Christian film, so you can't point fingers at it for that. The point is, it's just stupid to say it's such a Catholic movie. It's not. I've seen it touted on Life on the Rock on EWTN like a million times, I've read the movie's praises in the Christian book "Wild at Heart", and I've heard countless friends of mine ramble on about how they want to be Wallace. Whatever, go read a Butler's Lives of the Saints, or better yet, the Bible.

I think you're much safer with these Pagan Bad-Asses. Heck, they are a lot more Christian then Braveheart is. Maximus of Gladiator is awesome, and heck, even Leonidas of 300 is more Christian then Willy.
See it's funny, Maximus isn't too different from Wallace (Mel Gibson was even offered the role, thank heavens he didn't take it). Both of their wives were killed by "the man", and they both want some retribution. However, in my humble opinion, Max is much more sober with his blood lust. He doesn't just start killing everyone cause he's pissy like Wallace does. As a matter of fact, if I recall, he barely kills anyone in the whole movie. When he finally does face off with his enemy (the emperor) he only kills him to defend himself.

Also Maximus is almost uni-focused on the afterlife, he prays ardently all the time, and longs purely to live in paradise one day with his family. Braveheart on the other hand, even though he's a Catholic, doesn't really care about Heaven, as long as he's got some freedom for Scotland, and some freedom for what's under the kilt. Maximus gets with the ladies too, but never more then a little pre-marital smooch...Awww, way to go you pagan you.

On to Leonidas. Forgiving Leonidas for killing that Persian messenger in the beginning of the film, he is pretty moral - granted Spartan society. In 300 he has only (as I remember) two questionable slayings. One of the messengers, and once trying, but failing, to kill Xerxes. I don't know all the ins and outs of Just War Theory, but since this movie is prior to Christ, I'd say those two attempts weren't even sinful for Leo. Unlike Willy, who kills all the Brits, and some Scots, even though he is the archetype of a Catholic man. Leo is all about honor, justice, and defending his country, not unlike Braveheart, but he does it with much less questionable actions.


Even Leonidas' love for Gorgo is better. They are married, and he actually does love her, unlike Wallace, who basically just uses Isabelle for meaningless sex, and power, and all those Christian things like that. I did skip the sex scene in 300 though, to protect my little Catholic mind.

But wait! I did that for that Catholic movie toooo...What was it called? Oh yeah, Braveheart. Yay for nude boobs in the very archetype of the "Christian Film"! Modesty? Naww...Not in this "Catholic" Flick.

I digress again....Though this little rant was dumb, I hope it was worth someone's while. My point is this: Be careful with what movies you promote as wonderfully Catholic. Braveheart is a good film, but not a Catholic one. Even as a good, moral movie to watch and enjoy, OK fine. But the Wallace in Bravheart is not a Saint, so stop making him one pleaseeee!

I say we should all just watch A Man for All Seasons, Thomas More was a Saint and a Bad Ass.

PAX, FMC